UnSure...

NiaJean wakes up the next morning with the man in the pictures on her mind, her father.  She is still groggy from staying up so late but she starts trying to sort out the thoughts in her head.  Thoughts she’s never contemplated before.  She creates a list of questions in her head that she might possibly ask her mother.  She’s still not sure if she should just leave the subject alone since the man never made any type of impact in her life but she is still curious.  She wonders why it didn’t work out with him and her mother.  She wonders why he left or if her mother left him.  She wonders how often he’s seen her in her lifetime and why he’s never made himself known to her or her brother.  She wonders what really happened.  It must be a very touchy subject for her mother because she’s never wanted to talk about and the few times the subject may have come up, it is immediately detoured to something else.  What did this man do to her that was so bad that she can’t talk about it over twenty five years later?

Her mind is now filled with doubt, with confusion with concern and curiosity.  She sits and contemplates how she’s going to bring up the subject to her mother or if she should even try.  Before she has time to really overindulge herself with even deeper thoughts about the situation, she gets a text on her phone from Sebastian.  She leans over and picks up her phone from the night stand and reads it.  “We’re on our way.”  She puts her phone back down and tries to detour her thoughts.  She begins wondering why she hasn’t heard from Brian but tries not to think about it too deeply where it would lead to depression.  She closes her eyes and tries to rest for a few more minutes until Sebastian and Sage arrive.  

When Sebastian and Sage arrive, he knocks on the door instead of sending another text letting her know he’s at the door.  She goes down stairs and opens the door.  Sebastian is standing there with an odd look on his face while Sage jumps in the doorway toward her mother to give her a hug.  Sebastian hands NiaJean Sage’s backpack and hesitates in the doorway instead of leaving like he usually does.  NiaJean gives him a strange look and he gives her an awkward smile. NiaJean looks at Sage as she intently watches the exchange that is taking place.  “Sage honey go on up to your room, daddy and I need to talk for a minute.”  Sage looks at her then at her father and they both look at her as though they are telling her to go on.  She takes her backpack and heads upstairs.  NiaJean steps back out of the doorway and invites Sebastian in without saying a word.

Sebastian walks in and heads for the living room.  They both sit down on the couch and find themselves in an awkward silence once again.  Sebastian finally breaks the silence.  “Look, I meant what I said last night.”  She takes a deep breath and says, “Sebastian, you were drunk.” “I wasn’t that drunk and you know that’s when my true feelings come out anyway, when I’ve had something to drink.”  “Ok so what are you going to do about Sabrina?”  “I’m going to tell her I don’t want us to be a couple and I’m going to break it off.  She can keep it and I’ll do my part but I don’t want to commit to her.”  ”  NiaJean looks at him disappointed.  “Really Sebastian?”  He looks at her with the utmost seriousness.  “NiaJean, I’m still in love with you.”  She shakes her head no at him and says, “No, you are not, you’re just scared.”  He shakes his head no back at her and replies, “I know how I feel and scared is not it.  I want you back.”   “Sebastian, please don’t do this right now.”  “Do what?  Express how I feel?”  “No, add confusion to my life.  We’ve been doing fine co-parenting all these years so let’s just do that and nothing else.  We tried us many times and it didn’t work.”  “We were a lot younger; I think we’ve both grown over the past ten years.  Don’t you?”  “Yes, I do but in different directions.  Let’s just leave this alone for now ok?”  “There you go.  You are the queen of putting things off and not dealing with what’s in front of you.  Well it’s not going to go away just because you don’t want to talk about it now.”  “I don’t want what you want!  I don’t even think you want what you think you want!”  “I know what I want!”

Sebastian looks her in the eyes and leans forward to kiss her.  She pushes him away.  “Don’t even think about it!  It’s time for you to go!”  He backs off.  “Alright, I’ll go.”  “Please Sebastian, just deal with your current situation.  We’re fine the way we are.”  He shakes his head as he thinks about what she said then gets up to leave.  He sees himself off while NiaJean sits on the couch in disbelief.

Sage walks in the living room and looks at her mom sitting on the couch looking distraught.  “Mommy, are you and daddy getting back together?”  NiaJean looks at her with an awkward smile hoping she didn’t hear much of the conversation.  She is unsure how to answer at the moment.  “Ummm….”

By Chance...

NiaJean is lying in bed unable to sleep as she reviews the events of the day.  Though all these men fill her life with excitement she still feels like something is missing. 

She pulls out a photo album that she recently got from her mother for a family tree project she’s helping Sage with for class.  She opens it.  She instantly realizes she picked up the wrong photo album from her mother’s house as she shuffles through the unfamiliar old pictures. 

She sees a picture of this man standing next to her mother hugging her while her mother holds her in her arms.  This man standing next to her mother is not her stepfather William but another man.  She’s never met this man before but she remembers seeing his face a few times in her life.  She starts thinking back and realizes she’s seen this face pretty recently.

She continues shuffling through the photo album and sees more and more pictures of this man. 

After all these years she hasn’t had a real conversation with her mother about her “real” father.  There was never a question as to who was her father since William was always there for her since she was three and adopted her and her brother as his own.

She analyzes the picture closer and realizes this is the same man that sat next to her on the bus a couple of months ago.  The only reason why she remembers that is because she paid close attention to his demeanor and the fact that he sat next to her out of all the open seats that were available on the bus that day.  Now she starts questioning whether that was a coincidence or not.  She starts wondering if he’s been following her for a while and she just never noticed. 

This is concerning because this is a man she’s never known and he could be watching her entire life and she wouldn’t even know.  Anger starts to set in as she thinks about this creep who made a conscious decision not to be a part of her life and he may decide to just show up one day.  People do it all the time for whatever reason.  Most times it’s for selfish reason so that they can get over the guilt they’ve been carrying for years and really she doesn’t want to have anything to do with him if that ever happens. 

She hasn’t seen this man anywhere else lately but this encounter now makes her curious.  This is worth another trip to her parents’ house for a major discussion with her mother, she thinks as she continues turning pages.  She finds herself getting really irritated and tense as she thinks about what could happen if she encountered this stranger who calls himself her father.

NiaJean starts overanalyzing the situation then realizes she’s thinking about something that may or may not ever happen so she snaps out of it as she yawns and closes the photo album. 

She thinks to herself, “Is this really worth a conversation with mom?  Am I sure I really want to know about him?   I don’t know…”