Emotional Maturity...

NiaJean is sitting on the bus riding home from work and is typing her blog.  Sage is spending a couple of  nights with Sebastian so NiaJean decided to take the bus to work to save on gas and do her part for the environment by helping decrease the smog that goes into the air from her car.  She also wanted to get a little exercise in the process.  She tries to tune out the noises on the bus as she types.

Ok so I’m faced with a dilemma.  I was at work today and my Ex-boyfriend, Jason just decides to pop up.  This visit of course took me by surprise because I thought I said good bye for good in our last conversation and here he is showing up in my life once again and at my job no less.  The thing that I don’t understand about this visit is the fact that I was overtaken with emotions when I saw him.  I guess its one thing to talk to someone over the phone and a whole different dynamic when you’re faced with their presence.  As I watched him leave my office and walk to his car and get in, I could see a woman in the passenger’s seat.  I stood in my office window starring at the two of them as he leaned over and kissed her and they embraced.  This of course got the wheels turning in my mind even more.  Now why in the world would he drive all the way to my side of town with another woman in his car?  What could he possibly be telling her about us? 

For some reason, watching him kiss her made my heart stop and I don’t know why.  I should be over him by now!  I mean I am dating Brian.  I lived in fear of losing Jason the entire time we were together.  I was so wrapped up in our lives together that I didn’t even see the signs of my obsession.  I put all my hopes and dreams into him and our future as a couple.  I think I was trying so hard to make it work that I didn’t realize it wasn’t working.  I was losing him and losing myself all at the same time.

NiaJean stops typing for a moment and looks around the bus at all the passengers seated around her.  She sees a couple sitting across the aisle from her and begins imagining their lives together as she equates her thoughts with Jason.  She imagines the couple holding hands as they walk through the park with smiles on their faces then sees them stop under a shady tree and embrace as they follow that embrace with a passionate kiss.  “Excuse me, is someone sitting here?”  She hears a low toned voice ask.  Her thoughts are interrupted as she looks up and sees this handsome gentlemen standing over her smiling. 

She can’t quite make out his age but he seems to be a bit more mature in age than her.  “Uh, no.”  She says without being able let any more words come out of her mouth.  She scoots closer to the window of the bus to give him room to sit down.  As the bus continues on its route, they ride in silence.  She looks up and realizes her stop is next so she closes her laptop and puts it in her bag.  She then pulls the bus signal to make sure it stops.  She scoots closer to the edge of her seat then looks over at the handsome man sitting next to her and smiles.  The bus comes to a stop and she says, “Excuse me, this is my stop.”  He immediately gets up from the seat and steps back so she can pass.  She looks back at him and smiles once again before exiting the bus.

She enjoys her walk home as it is a scenic route filled with trees and flowers.  As she walks down the street she begins imaging the man on the bus and what life would be like if they were a couple.  She imagines him bringing her flowers and kissing her on the check then massaging her neck as she relaxes on the couch.  She flashes back to reality as she reaches her front door and almost trips on the bump in the entryway sidewalk.  She enters the house and goes straight to the kitchen and grabs something to drink and a salad she made that morning and takes it to her room.  She lays her computer bag and purse on her bed then puts her salad and drink on the night stand.  She changes into a pair of lounge shorts and a tank top then sits on her bed to eat and finish writing her blog.  She opens her laptop and begins typing where she left off.

I’m what you would call an emotional creature.  I’m probably a bit more sensitive than most women I know but I think there’s a certain uniqueness that goes along with my sensitivity.  The problem with being so sensitive is I have to balance my emotions.  I was reading this article about emotional maturity.  In this article, it said one sign of emotional maturity is not having your feelings hurt so easily.

She pauses for a moment as she reflects on what she just wrote.  “Well NiaJean I guess you’re not all the way there yet.”  She continues typing.

We can’t let our emotions define us.  We must have some type of emotional maturity.  I used to constantly fight with my emotions when it came to my relationship with Jason.  I was so caught up in being what this man wanted me to be that I lost myself.  I did things against my own principles just to keep him happy.  Now that I see things a little clearer, I realize I was with the wrong man.  He wasn’t interested in my wellbeing whatsoever and he surely wasn’t trying to care for my heart and protect it.  You know what, now that I think about it this was the case with my ex-husband Sebastian as well.  I just hope I’m not creating the same cycle with Brian. 

NiaJean stops typing and asks herself, “Can I really rewind what’s already happened with Brian or should I start over with someone new?”  She picks up her salad off the night stand and begins eating it.  “You know, you just have to keep holding out Nia in order for him to take you seriously.”

NiaJean puts her salad down and lies back on her pillow and tears begin streaming down her face as she thinks about Jason then Brian.  She gets up from her bad and walks over to her mirror and stares at herself as she begins to make a pledge.

“I pledge to do things differently this time!  I will do everything in my power to build a friendship first.”  She pauses and thinks about her pledge.  “Wait, is it too late to build a friendship first since we already…”  She takes a deep breath and begins creating a new pledge.  “Ok, I pledge to start over and hold out until we’ve developed a strong friendship.”

Her phone rings as she finishes her pledge.  She says to herself as she walks over to her night stand, “If he’s willing to hold out for a while then I know we’ve got something…or at least I hope we have something more than just a “Sex-ship”…

She picks up her cellphone to see who’s calling.  It’s Eric on the other end so she answers. 

“Hey.”  He says before she gets a chance to say anything.  “Hey, I thought you went out, what are you doing calling me on a Friday night?”  She asks.  “I took her home early, she was crazy.”  He says with a smirk on his face and annoyance in his voice.  She laughs then sits down on her bed and readies herself to hear details about his date but he doesn’t go into detail.  “What are you up to?”  He asks.  “Nothing really, thinking too much.”  She answers with a tone of sadness.  “Feel like watching a movie?  I got a good one and a nice bottle of wine that I’m glad I didn’t waste on that crazy girl.”  He says.  “Ok but both better be good.”  She says with a smile on her face.  

He laughs then replies, “I’m on my way…”

10 Deadly Dating Don’ts...

NiaJean walks into her bedroom after taking Sage and her friends to the movies.  She decides to rest a bit before dropping the girls off for a sleep over.  She looks at the time on her cell phone and for some reason her stomach is churning because she feels like something is missing.  It’s getting very late in the day at this point and she can’t seem to relax so she sits down at her desk, turns on her computer and begins researching.  She stops researching for a moment to start writing her blog.  She types.

It’s a Saturday afternoon and I haven’t heard from him at all.  I’m not sure what I should think of it.  I know he has to visit his kids and make sure he takes care of his fatherly duties but I was hoping I was somewhere in his agenda.  I’m starting think maybe this isn’t the best situation for me.  It’s not because of the kids or the fact that he’s working on getting his second career going.  It’s the fact that we don’t seem to have a great line of communication.  In order for something to work, communication is the key, at least in my opinion.  If that breaks down then what else is left? 

She stops tying and speaks out loud but tries not to talk too loud where the girls can hear her in the next room.  “He’s the one who said we were going to spend more time together, not me!”  She takes a deep breath and continues typing.

Maybe I’m being a little too sensitive.  The day isn’t even over yet. 

She begins browsing through her computer once again and comes across a couple of sites that outline a list of “Don’ts” of relationships and dating so she clicks on one and begins reading.  She becomes curious and searches for more similar sites.  Each site has its own list of don’ts and she meticulously reads each list.  She begins contemplating the ten “don’ts” that are most important to her.

She reads out loud, “Ten Deadly Dating Don’ts.”  She sits back in her chair and contemplates this thought.  “Hmm, interesting.”  She says to herself.  She continues typing.                                                          

     

In the midst of me typing my blog I decided to do a little research.  I wanted to figure out where women go wrong in the dating department and I came across a couple of lists.  Apparently there are a number of mistakes women make when it comes to dating but I think ten is enough to focus on, at least the ones I feel are important.  So I want to share them.  I have to be honest, I can’t say that I have avoided these mistakes in the past or even recently but here we go.  The “10 Deadly Dating Don’ts” that I think women should avoid while dating are…

1) Don’t Talk About Your Ex.

There’s nothing worse than talking about your Ex on a first date.  A man wants to know he is your focus of attention at least for that one night.

2) Don’t Be a Bad Listener.

Now that you have his attention make sure you give him your attention by listening to what he is saying and partaking in the conversation.  Remember there may be times when the conversation gets a little dull and that’s the time to change the subject and try something new but don’t talk too much.  Its ok to have a few subjects in mind before you go on the date, just don’t sound rehearsed if you have to use them.                                                      

              

3) Don’t Be So Caught Up in Self.

Me, me, me is not what a man wants to hear the entire night so make sure the conversation’s not all about YOU.  It is ok to be confident but try balancing the conversation by asking him some questions about himself.  Now it doesn’t have to turn into an interview but you spouting off your resume during the entire date isn’t the answer at all.  According dating professionals this is a huge turn off for men, especially if they’re looking for a serious relationship.  A little mystery never hurts.

 4) Don’t Forget Your Manners.

‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ can go a long way.  Don’t forget those simple words make anyone feel appreciated.  Mind your manners when you’re ordering, eating and even leaving.  Believe it or not, it’s a turn-on for men to be in the presence of a woman with manners.

5) Don’t Rush into the “I dos”.

Whatever you do, don’t bring up talk of marriage or having babies on the first date.  It’s ok to be enthusiastic about your future but remember, it is a first date so I’m sure you’re not in love yet.  Don’t be so eager.

6) Don’t be Miss Aggressive.

No matter how attractive a man is, I don’t think it’s a good idea to sleep with him on the first date.  Ladies just because he bought your dinner doesn’t mean you have to pay him back in the bed.  You know that can borderline as something else, just saying.

7) Don’t Expect Him to always Foot the Bill.

While there are still a few men who insist on paying, times have changed and they appreciate it when a woman at least offers to pay.  After a while he might be turned off if you never offer or at least reach for your purse.

8) Don’t Be So Needy or Available.

Being too clingy or needy is a big turn off.  Don’t try so hard.  Give the man a chance to like you, intrigue him.  A man wants to feel like he’s getting a prize that he has won and it’s up to you to remind him.  Take your time and keep your options open and don’t make yourself so available, it’s ok to miss a day or two of emailing, calling or texting.  Remember, you don’t always have to say “yes”.

9) Don’t Be Someone You’re Not.

Since a lot of women think they know what a man wants and what he’s thinking, we miss something.  We don’t give them credit for wanting more than just looks and a lot of times women go over board to get his attention.  They’ll do or wear unusual or outrageous things that aren’t even a part of their character just to please him.  Men can see right through the fake you and will get tired of it eventually. 

10) Don’t Forget to have Fun.

The most important thing to remember is to make sure you have fun on the first date!

Women have a need to feel “safe” before anything else can even happen but in order to make things happen there are some mistakes we need to learn to avoid.  No one is perfect so we shouldn’t be looking for perfection in anyone.  I know at some point we want to be considered “girlfriend” or “wifey” material so maybe we should take heed to a couple of the tips the next time we go out on a date.  These tips may not be for everyone but I think I’m going to give some of them a try.

NiaJean leans back in her chair and reviews her “10 Deadly Dating Don’ts”.  Then says to herself,   “I just wish I knew about these ‘Don’ts’ sooner…”