Love Potion...

NiaJean sits up on her bed, opens her laptop and begins typing.

Sometimes I wish I had a “Love Potion” that I could give to a man to make him feel the way I want him to feel when I want him to feel it.  That way, my heart can handle all the aches and pains that go along with waiting for him to decide if he wants to take a chance on love with me.

NiaJean pauses for a moment as she thinks about this “Love Potion”.  She takes her mind into a fantasy world where she sees this wonderfully statuesque handsome man sweeping her off her feet as they ride away into the sunset like in a Harlequin novel.  She laughs at herself as she snaps back into reality.  “I can’t believe I read those old books.  What woman my age does that?”  She shakes her head and goes back to typing.

Maybe a “Love Potion” wouldn’t be a good idea; at least not all the time.  I would want to know if a man really did love me for me instead of being under the influence of a “Love Potion”.  But I have to admit, it would be nice sometimes. 

Her phone rings and she answers with a sexy voice without looking to see who’s calling.  She just assumed it was him since she’d called him earlier.  “Hey, I was hoping you’d call back.”  She hears a familiar clearing of the voice on the other end followed by a sarcastic laugh, “I don’t think it was me you were hoping to speak too and I know you don’t have some strange man around my daughter.  Bad enough you have your trifling sister around her.”  NiaJean cringes when she realizes its Sebastian, Sage’s father on the other end.  “Sebastian, not that it is any of your business but I don’t bring strange men around our daughter.”  She replies.  “I thought you had some sense.”  He says in what he thinks is a joking manner.  She can hear his obnoxious laugh in the background but she doesn’t find his joke funny at all so she ignores his comment and asks with directness.  “Are you on your way to pick her up?”  “Yes, I am.  I should be there in about an hour so please make sure she’s ready.”  He says condescendingly.  “She always is ready.”  NiaJean replies with a slight irritation.  “Well I’m just making sure because I can’t be waiting for you to do your job.  We have plans and I don’t want to be late.”   He replies in the same condescending tone.  “Whatever Sebastian, bye.”  She hangs up the phone before he has a chance to make any more obnoxious comments then throws her phone on the bed.

She finishes packing Sage’s bag and says to herself.  “That man never stops with his condescending ass.  Oh sometimes I wish I would have made better choices.”  She holds up one of Sage’s shirts that was left in the laundry basket sitting by her bed then looks at it.  “I guess I wouldn’t be the woman I am today if I hadn’t learned from my choices.  Besides, I do have a beautiful daughter from this man.”  She folds the shirt and puts it in Sage’s bag.  “I have to admit, he is a good father…just a damn terrible everything else.”  She pauses for a moment and thinks about what she just said as she zips up Sage’s bag.  “Nia don’t do that, he is your child’s father.”  She sits Sage’s bag by her bedroom door then sits on her bed for a minute to take a break.

Her phone rings again and this time she looks at the caller id.  She is surprised to see who’s calling.  “This must be, ‘deal with ex day’.”  She says to herself then hesitantly answers the phone. “Hello.”                                                                    

A deep but nasal toned voice is heard on the other end.  “Hey, I miss you.  What you been up too?”  He asks.  “Nothing, just living life.  What about you?”  She asks but not really caring about the answer.  “You’ve been on my mind a lot lately so I thought I’d give you a call to see if you’ve gotten married yet.”  He replies.  “What would you do if I had gotten married?  It’s been at least two years since I talked to you and a lot has changed but you sound the same.”  She says.  “You’d be surprised how much has changed.  I want to see you and talk to you.  I want to apologize for what went wrong.”  He replies.  “Look there’s no need to bring up the past; it’s the past for a reason.”  She says.  “Yeah but I can’t stop thinking about your sexy ass.”  He replies in a seductive tone.  “You know, I really don’t want to go back down that road with you, it’s just not healthy for me.”  She says as she tries to wrap up the conversation.  “I get it, he’s a lucky dude.”  He says as he takes one more stab at trying to figure out her current dating situation.  “Bye Jason.”  She says in a somewhat melancholy tone.  “Take care of yourself sexy.” He replies.  “I will.” 

NiaJean hangs up the phone, opens her laptop and types.

I wonder why is it that my old exes resurface to check to see if I’ve gotten married or not.  Both of them ask me that same stupid question and then move on with the conversation.  It’s like that gives them the ticket to keep searching for someone better than me that they obviously haven’t found yet and won’t. I guess they think that I’m just sitting around waiting for them to stop searching.  It’s crazy, why don’t they just realize what they have when it’s in front of their faces?  The thing about these men that decide to pop back into my life unexpectedly is that they really haven’t changed at all.  I don’t know what it is but I guess they feel like time is going to change them without them changing them.  But what really ends up happening is they go back to the same familiar pattern they knew before.  The craziest thing of all is that I let them do it.

NiaJean stops typing and says to herself.  “Change is important NiaJean.  It didn’t work out the first time for reason so no more traveling down old roads.”  She continues typing.

For most of them, it’s a cycle.  I guess they figure since they haven’t found anyone better in the past few years they’d give me a try again but it never works. 

NiaJean begins talking to her laptop, “One day I’m going to say, yes damn it I’m married!  Your loss!” 

She types.

I was married once but not long enough to brag about it.

The doorbell rings then she hears a notification that she has a text on her cellphone.  She looks at her phone and Sebastian has sent a text, “I’m at the door”.  NiaJean takes a deep breath before going to answer the door.  She picks up Sage’s bag then says to herself.

“I need a Shopping Spree."

I’m So Confused...

It’s been over a week since NiaJean has spoken to him.  She sits at her computer and begins typing.

I’m so confused, are the first words she types.  She pauses for a moment, looks up at the ceiling and exhales.  “So why can't the stars align and just stay in place?”  She asks herself.  She looks back at the computer screen and continues typing her blog. 

I was watching a video on YouTube about this couple who was discussing their relationship and the love they shared with each other.  They said they had to allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other in order to fully open their hearts to receive true love.

She begins talking to the computer screen as though she is talking to another person.  “Ok, I tried that but for some reason it didn’t turn out the same for me as it did for them.  I opened up my heart and shared some deep reveals about myself to him and I don’t hear from him for three days!”  She takes her hands off the keyboard as she realizes, “Maybe it was too much for him.”  She takes a deep breath then continues typing. 

I have what you would call abandonment issues.  I used to think this was an issue someone had who grew up in a single parent household or someone who was parentless.  I found out that’s not the case at all.  You can actually develop these issues from the loss of a relationship.  As a matter of fact it can be any form of lost love that can cause these issues. 

“Dang, I can’t stop losing love.”  She says to herself.  She takes a deep breath and tries to shake off her feelings of abandonment, “Go away feelings!”  She yells.

Sage rushes in her bedroom to check on her mother.  “Mommy are you ok?”  She asks with concern.  “Yes baby, I’m fine.”  She says as she forces a smile.  “You’re yelling at the computer again?  You’re way too good for him.”  She says with a little too much attitude and adult like tone.  “What?”  NiaJean questions with surprise.  “Well that’s what grandma says.”  She answers back.  “Well I think I’m going to have to have a little talk with grandma.  I’m fine love bug.”  She assures her.  “Ok, if you say so.”  She responds in a sing song tone.  Sage stands there for a second staring at her mother with the same look on her face NiaJean’s mother gives when she doesn’t believe her.  NiaJean looks at Sage disapprovingly and Sage turns around and leaves her room without saying another word.  NiaJean shakes her head.  “My mother talks way too much.”  She says to herself then goes back to typing on her computer.

I guess I really needed to recognize what stage we were in before I started revealing crazy issues or faults about myself.  I still don’t know if it’s a relationship or just a dating-ship and silly me, never even asked.  Oh well, it’s too late now.  It’s all on the table so he can take it or leave it. 

She stops typing, “NiaJean, you do need to work on finding a balance.”  She gets up from the computer to take a little break then ends up going on another one of her tangents as she paces the floor of her bedroom.                                               

“You know what?  I’m going to stop trying to be perfect!  The perfect girlfriend, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect everything to every man I meet.  First of all it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere but alone.  I know I’m not perfect and I think it’s time to stop trying so hard and just live.  I want to live!  I’ve got to find the strength inside of me to be ok with me.  And the one thing I’m not, is a person someone considers a settle!  And if that’s what he’s doing then he can bet that I won’t settle for him just because I’m afraid of being alone.”  She grabs her phone and yells into it.  “Did you hear me?  I am not a settler!”

NiaJean puts the phone back down then picks it up again to dial his number then hangs up before it has a chance to ring.  “I’m not calling; he should be the one calling me.  I know he had to have seen the missed calls last week.”  She puts the phone down again and begins pacing back and forth.  “I’m not going to do it!”  She walks over to the phone and picks it up once again then quickly puts it back down and walks away. 

She begins straightening her bedroom to keep her mind occupied.  She frantically cleans for a few minutes then pauses to stretch.  She looks over at the night stand where her phone is sitting then walks over to it and stares at it for a moment.  She finally picks it up and dials.  She sits on the bed and waits for it to ring.  After the third ring she gets ready to hang up but she hears his voice on the other end. 

“Hello?”  He answers.  She is surprised when she hears his voice and becomes a little lost for words.  She stumbles over her words as she answers back.  “Uh, uh hey?”  “What’s up?”  He responds in a somewhat soft tone.  “I haven’t heard from you in a while so I thought I’d give you a call and check on you.”  She answers as she tries to sound as soft and sexy as possible.  “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”  He says.  “I can understand that.”  She quickly responds.  “Look I need a little time to think about some things.”  He says in an abrupt tone.  NiaJean becomes nervous with his shift in tone.  “Is everything ok?”  She asks with concern.  “All good, just making some future plans.”  He answers.  “Oh, do those future plans include me?”  She asks with a grimace on her face because she is afraid of the answer.  There is a long silence.  “Yeah.”  He says softly.  “Oh ok.”  She says hesitantly.  “I’ll hit you.”  He responds as though he is saying goodbye. 

She prepares herself for the fact that this may be her last time speaking to him for a while.  She sits in silence for a moment as she comes to terms with the situation and says, “Ok, I’ll talk to you later.”  He hangs up the phone without speaking another word.  She scoots back on her bed and props herself up on one of her pillows and begins scrolling on FaceBook.  She comes across his profile and stares at one of his pictures.  A tear runs down her face when she sees a picture of the two of them together.  She takes a deep breath then asks herself…  

“Should I wait or move on?”

Life...

The Big Call...

NiaJean leans back in her chair and dials his phone number.  He answers right away.  “Hello?”  She can hear the anticipation in his smooth voice that sounds lower in tone than usual.  She smiles slightly.  She tries to sound as seductive and mysterious as she can when she answers him back.  “Hey, sorry I didn’t make it to the phone in time.  I was in the middle of something.”  She grimaces because she knows she’s lying as she tries to maintain her sexy demeanor.  She leans forward on her desk and puts her hand on her forehead as she awaits his response.  “All good.  What you up to?”  He asks.  “Oh, not too much.”  She answers then shakes her head and grimaces again when she realizes she had just told him she was in the middle of something and now she says she’s not doing anything.  She hopes he didn’t notice her little verbal slip up and becomes nervous. 

She leans back too far in her chair and the chair tumbles over as she falls to the floor.  There is a loud crash and she quickly puts the phone back up to her ear as she tries to play off what just happened.  “Is everything ok over there?”  He asks with concern.  She tries to retain her composure by taking a deep breath.  “Oh yeah, yes everything is fine.  I don’t know what that was.”  She rolls her eyes because she’s so disappointed with her lame answers.  She picks up the chair and scoots it under her desk then walks over to her bed, sits down, leans back on one of her pillows and props one leg up as she stares at the ceiling. 

“When do I get to see you again?”  He asks.  She smiles with excitement and snuggles further into her pillow and hugs it with one arm as she readies herself for the conversation that is getting ready to take place.  “Well, I was thinking…”

                                                                                                                      

Right in the middle of her answer, the doorbell rings.  NiaJean sits up on her bed then looks at the time on her phone.  “Shit” she mouths to herself.  “Uh, do you mind if I call you back?”  There’s a dead silence on the other end of the phone then an uncomfortable answer follows; “Yeah, sure.”  “I promise I’ll call you back in a few minutes.”  She reassures him.  He hangs up without any further response.  She looks at her phone and frowns as she makes sure the call has ended.  “That was not good,” she says to herself.  She takes a deep breath, “Oh well, whatever.”  She gets up from her bed and walks to the front door.

NiaJean opens the front door and sees her gorgeous butterscotch colored skinned mother with freckles on her nose standing there holding a pink backpack in her hand with NiaJean’s daughter Sage standing next to her.  They are both smiling with excitement.  NiaJean looks at her mother and smiles then at her daughter.  “Hey love bug, how was your weekend with grandma?”  NiaJean leans over and hugs Sage then gives her a kiss on the forehead.  Sage is a cute ten year old deep caramel colored skinned little girl who looks like she could be NiaJean’s twin.  She hugs her mother and responds with a big grin on her face.  “Good.”  NiaJean wraps her arms around Sage’s shoulders and they begin swaying back and forth as they perform a playful dance.

Andrea, NiaJean’s mother is still standing at the front door staring at NiaJean but her smile has turned into a suspicious look.  “So?”  She prods.  NiaJean looks at her mother and squints her eyes at her as though she is mocking her mother’s suspicious look.  She answers with a question because she knows her mother is being nosey.  “So what?”  “How was it?”  Her mother asks, still prodding.  “How was what?”  NiaJean asks as she makes a guessing game out of the conversation.  Andrea looks down at Sage and tries to be discreet then looks at NiaJean.  Sage is intently listening as Andrea mumbles through her teeth.  “The date.”  NiaJean covers Sage’s ears then pushes her towards the direction of her room.  Sage begins walking to her room but pauses to ask, “You had a date?”  “Don’t worry about my business.  Take your stuff to your room.  And don’t just throw it on the floor.”  NiaJean replies.  “Fine.”  Sage answers in a sing song tone.

Andrea stands in the entry way and intently waits for an answer.  NiaJean can tell her mother is becoming impatient so she answers.  “Well the other guy called so I didn’t go out on the date.”  “When?”  Her mother asks.  “Does it matter when?  She replies with slight irritation.  “You didn’t even give Shawn a chance did you?”  Her mother asks in a disappointed tone.  “Oh that’s his name, Shawn.”  She says to herself then directs the next statement to her mother.  “Mom, can you please stop trying to hook me up with your friends’ sons and nephews and whatever else?  I don’t have a problem finding my own man.”  She says.  “I know you don’t, it’s just hard for you to keep them.”  NiaJean looks at her mother and frowns.  Andrea realizes she went too far and prepares to leaves.  “I better go, let me know if you need us to keep her next weekend.”  Andrea responds with a forced smile.  “Ok, thanks.  NiaJean hugs her mother and stands by the door as her mother walks out.  She is stopped from closing the door by her mother’s words.

“Well, let me know what happens with this guy who finally decided to call again.  If that’s the kind of guy you want to deal with then ok.  He seems a little flaky to me.  And how many baby mamas does he have like four or five?”  She asks knowing the answer.  “Three.  Mom, I need to get Sage settled in.  She has school tomorrow.”  Andrea gives her a Sage overview as she stalls for more time to converse.  “Well she’s already eaten dinner and had her bath.”  NiaJean smiles at her mother and gives her the common answer.  “Ok, thanks again.”  Andrea rushes to get her last comment in before heading to the car.  “I’m just saying, that’s a lot of drama.”  NiaJean is very irritated at this point and gives her mother a sharp reply.  “Mom, I got this.”

She quickly closes the door before her mother has a chance to say anything else then goes to Sage’s room to check on her.  She has already gotten in bed and is fast asleep.  NiaJean walks over to her and kiss her on her cheek then straightens the covers on her bed, turns off the light and leaves her room.  

NiaJean finally settles back in, picks up her phone and lies on her bed.  She redials his phone number and speaks to herself in a seductive tone as though she’s speaking to him as she waits for his phone to ring,   “Where were we?”  She says as she tries to adjust herself back to her earlier position.

The phone rings one time then a second.  NiaJean looks at the phone as it rings a third then fourth.

No answer… 

Dating Contemplation...

NiaJean Rose is a beautiful athletic five eight build with long shapely legs and smooth caramel colored skin.  She is what you would call “a good catch”, whatever that means.  Yes, she can cook, is well educated, has a decent job, her own car, a nice place to live that she pays for and is beautiful but those are all the aesthetics.  Don’t forget that she is beautiful inside as well but is she exciting enough or adventurous enough or whatever a man is looking for that makes her “wifey” material?  She would like to think so but here she is again in dating contemplation.

NiaJean is sitting on her bed staring at her cellphone.  “Nothing!”  She thinks to herself, “Maybe I should restart it or maybe something is wrong with it.”  She continues staring at it as though she is willing it to be broken as to give her an excuse why it’s not ringing.  Let’s face it, it’s a new phone, there’s nothing wrong with it besides the fact that it’s not ringing.  She grabs her phone, leans back on her pillow and begins scrolling through the feeds on FaceBook in an effort to detract her thoughts.  She can feel the depression setting in as she realizes…he’s lost interest already.  She takes a deep breath and continues scrolling on FaceBook.  She sits up on her bed and begins analyzing the situation.  She begins talking out loud to herself as she tries to gather her thoughts as to what could have gone wrong.

“I think I stepped into another situation where I got excited too fast.  I mean, it wasn’t even a month and I’m already thinking about our future together; marriage, buying a house, blending our families, the world of us.”  She shakes her head and continues talking to herself, “that’s too fast Nia, way too fast.”  

She picks up her cellphone and looks at the calendar.  She can’t believe this is happening a month to the day from when they first met.  Why should she really be surprised?  She gave up the goods already.  Guilt begins to set in and more depression follows and she begins talking to herself again. 

“All of my friends tried to tell me, make sure you have the upper hand.  You have to change the outcome if you want something to last but what do I do?  I get so caught up in the feel good of the moment that I forget there’s always a “game” involved in this dating stuff.”

She met him on a dating site where people go for a hookup and she expected to find her future husband?  She thinks to herself, “ok, there is no need for me to feel aggrieved, my friend Yvette met the man of her dreams on this same site.  I can’t blame the site or the person.  I’m the only one responsible for the outcome.  If I would have taken my time and waited maybe things would be different.  I’m just so bad at the dating game.  In all honesty I really shouldn’t be surprised because I’m the one who doesn’t give the person a chance to know me first.  I just jump right in and wonder why things don’t work out the way I want them too.  I vow to keep the goods next time.”  She gets up from the bed and looks in the mirror and begins examining herself.

She takes a deep breath and tries not to cry but becomes angry.  “Damn it, men are such assholes!  Men aren’t shit but dogs that only care about themselves.  They could care less about a good women or what she stands for.  I know what it is!  They can’t handle a strong woman who’s about something.  That’s what it is!”  She shakes her head and continues examining herself in the mirror as she tries to justify her statement.  She pauses and thinks about what she just said and realizes she doesn’t even believe her own statement.  “No, no I’m not going to do that.  I’m not one of those bitter women who walks around bashing men.  Those kind of women need to go deeper into themselves and figure out what or who really hurt them.  That usually stems deeper than a man they dated for a month who turned out to be an asshole.  Oh, I know I have issues but that’s not one of them.”

She walks back over to the bed, picks up her cellphone and looks at the time.  She realizes she has been having this pity party of hers for about three hours now and the phone still hasn’t rung.  “What the Hell?”  She screams at the phone as if it’s the phone’s fault for her feeling the way she does at this moment.  “I just don’t know the formula to this dating shit and I damn sure can’t figure out how to change it.”  She begins going on a rant. 

“There are so many women out there that just want a good relationship with consistency and honesty but it’s just not there, it’s not there!  No matter how hard we try, the results are always the same.  Something leads to nothing!  I knew this would happen.  I knew it!  I could feel him drifting.  I no longer get the good morning greeting text or even the midday flirt call.  Ok, so what it was only a day, but it happened.  Oh yeah but I do still get the late night, “are you coming over text?”  We can’t forget that.  A guy can make a decision that you’re not his life partner but will always keep you as his bed partner!  Ok, so that only happened one time and yes I did tell him I was coming over but so what, it happened!  If I’m such a good catch then I wouldn’t be in this situation once again.  He is not that busy to where he can’t at least call!”

There is a distinct ring on her cellphone that she designated for one person.  She looks down at her cellphone and a picture flashes on her screen.  

It’s him…