I’m So Confused...

It’s been over a week since NiaJean has spoken to him.  She sits at her computer and begins typing.

I’m so confused, are the first words she types.  She pauses for a moment, looks up at the ceiling and exhales.  “So why can't the stars align and just stay in place?”  She asks herself.  She looks back at the computer screen and continues typing her blog. 

I was watching a video on YouTube about this couple who was discussing their relationship and the love they shared with each other.  They said they had to allow themselves to be vulnerable with each other in order to fully open their hearts to receive true love.

She begins talking to the computer screen as though she is talking to another person.  “Ok, I tried that but for some reason it didn’t turn out the same for me as it did for them.  I opened up my heart and shared some deep reveals about myself to him and I don’t hear from him for three days!”  She takes her hands off the keyboard as she realizes, “Maybe it was too much for him.”  She takes a deep breath then continues typing. 

I have what you would call abandonment issues.  I used to think this was an issue someone had who grew up in a single parent household or someone who was parentless.  I found out that’s not the case at all.  You can actually develop these issues from the loss of a relationship.  As a matter of fact it can be any form of lost love that can cause these issues. 

“Dang, I can’t stop losing love.”  She says to herself.  She takes a deep breath and tries to shake off her feelings of abandonment, “Go away feelings!”  She yells.

Sage rushes in her bedroom to check on her mother.  “Mommy are you ok?”  She asks with concern.  “Yes baby, I’m fine.”  She says as she forces a smile.  “You’re yelling at the computer again?  You’re way too good for him.”  She says with a little too much attitude and adult like tone.  “What?”  NiaJean questions with surprise.  “Well that’s what grandma says.”  She answers back.  “Well I think I’m going to have to have a little talk with grandma.  I’m fine love bug.”  She assures her.  “Ok, if you say so.”  She responds in a sing song tone.  Sage stands there for a second staring at her mother with the same look on her face NiaJean’s mother gives when she doesn’t believe her.  NiaJean looks at Sage disapprovingly and Sage turns around and leaves her room without saying another word.  NiaJean shakes her head.  “My mother talks way too much.”  She says to herself then goes back to typing on her computer.

I guess I really needed to recognize what stage we were in before I started revealing crazy issues or faults about myself.  I still don’t know if it’s a relationship or just a dating-ship and silly me, never even asked.  Oh well, it’s too late now.  It’s all on the table so he can take it or leave it. 

She stops typing, “NiaJean, you do need to work on finding a balance.”  She gets up from the computer to take a little break then ends up going on another one of her tangents as she paces the floor of her bedroom.                                               

“You know what?  I’m going to stop trying to be perfect!  The perfect girlfriend, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect everything to every man I meet.  First of all it doesn’t seem to get me anywhere but alone.  I know I’m not perfect and I think it’s time to stop trying so hard and just live.  I want to live!  I’ve got to find the strength inside of me to be ok with me.  And the one thing I’m not, is a person someone considers a settle!  And if that’s what he’s doing then he can bet that I won’t settle for him just because I’m afraid of being alone.”  She grabs her phone and yells into it.  “Did you hear me?  I am not a settler!”

NiaJean puts the phone back down then picks it up again to dial his number then hangs up before it has a chance to ring.  “I’m not calling; he should be the one calling me.  I know he had to have seen the missed calls last week.”  She puts the phone down again and begins pacing back and forth.  “I’m not going to do it!”  She walks over to the phone and picks it up once again then quickly puts it back down and walks away. 

She begins straightening her bedroom to keep her mind occupied.  She frantically cleans for a few minutes then pauses to stretch.  She looks over at the night stand where her phone is sitting then walks over to it and stares at it for a moment.  She finally picks it up and dials.  She sits on the bed and waits for it to ring.  After the third ring she gets ready to hang up but she hears his voice on the other end. 

“Hello?”  He answers.  She is surprised when she hears his voice and becomes a little lost for words.  She stumbles over her words as she answers back.  “Uh, uh hey?”  “What’s up?”  He responds in a somewhat soft tone.  “I haven’t heard from you in a while so I thought I’d give you a call and check on you.”  She answers as she tries to sound as soft and sexy as possible.  “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”  He says.  “I can understand that.”  She quickly responds.  “Look I need a little time to think about some things.”  He says in an abrupt tone.  NiaJean becomes nervous with his shift in tone.  “Is everything ok?”  She asks with concern.  “All good, just making some future plans.”  He answers.  “Oh, do those future plans include me?”  She asks with a grimace on her face because she is afraid of the answer.  There is a long silence.  “Yeah.”  He says softly.  “Oh ok.”  She says hesitantly.  “I’ll hit you.”  He responds as though he is saying goodbye. 

She prepares herself for the fact that this may be her last time speaking to him for a while.  She sits in silence for a moment as she comes to terms with the situation and says, “Ok, I’ll talk to you later.”  He hangs up the phone without speaking another word.  She scoots back on her bed and props herself up on one of her pillows and begins scrolling on FaceBook.  She comes across his profile and stares at one of his pictures.  A tear runs down her face when she sees a picture of the two of them together.  She takes a deep breath then asks herself…  

“Should I wait or move on?”